Fiction!

She just sat there

staring at the netflix login screen

Looking at 5 shared accounts

trying to login to hers

But went totally blank on the passcode

She uses the passcode atleast thrice daily if not more

How can she blank out on it

But it has started to happen with her frequently

these black outs

Like she would go downstairs to the kitchen and just stand there for minutes

Never to recall whay she went there in the first place 

and she knows she isnt just zoning off

or not focussed

it is something more that that 

She tried doing those mind mapping exercises

and those trace-back techniques

that she found online

to help her recall but nothing works,  not practically for her atleast 

It is almost like, she was in some entirely different world or universal realm 

Just teleported and have faint reminiscences but not exacts of her other life or whatever

and contrastingly, some incidents from her childhood and teenage (which were  almost 2 decades ago) - she would recall with such granular details, she would put computer to shame! 

She was not sure what was happening to her..and one doesnt go to the gp saying I think I have "some-forgetful-disorder-of-sorts" and what do I do about it! 

She knew she was stupid to think that she has alzeimers of some kind..but not totally ruling out the possibility of it - afterall Her Granny was forgetful and so is his Father! He once forgot his bike on a shop ans returned home, never recalling that he went on a bike.. 

So, to allay her fears, of forgetting the best moments of her life, she did something that changed her life forwver..almost subconsciously..

she started reliving her entire life..all over, in her head!

She wrote vividly about the moments she recalled and wrote them down as if it was her 'that' day's journal..

What she felt, what she wore, what she saw, where did it all happen - anything and everything that came to her mind.. and she realized that probably all of this mess happened in first place because somewhere in the process of blocking off the bad memories, she had accidentally shut off a part of her brain..which is like this broken corrupted disk..you are able to write to it but cannot recover the contents entirely if and when needed!

So this time, she did not repeat her mistake..

She just wrote what she felt..

Even if that sounded ugly, self deprecating, regretful, evil, bold, sexual..she poured everything she had to say about a certain thing! 

In the process, though she puked our some junk, but she did start to feel again and be more centred, in the right dimension and more herself! 

So she wrote some more and then more more..not knowing that this was the beginning of a wonderful scary journey to discover herself from an axis she never knew existed or she probably did but never admitted! 

She came out of the trance, 

Like in the movies,

with 3-4 scarcely-spaced blinks and a deep breath! 

Stared at the netflix login screen again

this time Passcode came to her, 

punched those 4 numbers..

And started to look for "fiction"..

as if her own life was not enough! 

My Moon Has Risen!

I was feeling really low and Irritated..for various reasons. Over life, I have learnt to try and not get myself in there in first place and I am getting pretty good at it but today's war was nowhere going into my victory-over-human-errs book. 

Anyways, so usually when I am feeling like this(or any kind of extremity of emotions - positive or negative or the isthmus of sorts, where I do not have the slightest inclination towards whether I want to feel what I am feeling or not and it feels too un-categorized and even more irritating)..

When this happens, I first try to resort to the Master Shifu within me, possibly cool it off / curb it off on my own, sometimes by deep breaths - trying to think about what I call stabilizers of my life (people, phases, situations -  specifics, vague, terrestrial and cosmic  - the love, the feeling that they infuse etc) and  that works atleast putting me in a state where I can now logically "plan" to calm off even deeper; Then comes, the very common and highly underrated remedy - these days known as -  spotify-ing, but for me what is mostly an "offline" playlist and songs that I have since I had my first mobile(and yes, they are still saved by some random download name and contains the substring mp3 as well)..

and then the last refuge, the one which had never let me down, my "brahmaastra" the scribblings..which started with those small pocketsized notepads, went on to mature into rather exhaustive TMI-ied diaries, and are currently morphed as notes - heaping on to the pile of currently 534 random emo-journals..

And in very rare cases, when it gets too much, I reach out to one of the few who-tolerate-me-but-still-love-me kind of people that I have in my life - and just tell them I am feeling low(reasons are not ever asked and my choice of sharing is given full veto, everytime!).

But today, I was feeling so low that I did not wish to drag anyone into this abyss of despair, not even let anyone feel the air of it..specially not my not-so-temporary-at-all human scaffoldings..

But then the phone chimed - two tweeting sounds - indicating someone has messaged..

It was one of my guardian angels..He just pinged something factual regarding our upcoming and much awaited meeting and then we were chatting casually, I was keeping my distance and sanity in check, so as to not sound irritated or overwhelmed in any way and then the he suddenly said a few kind lovefilled words of compliments out of nowhere, as if he knew I needed some reassurance of what or who I am, desperately needed positive vibes!! 

And in that very moment, I literally felt the dementors leaving my grounds and vicinity!! This has happened in the past with a few of my telepathy-ish gang..like they message something very apt or very random but still apt..right when I need it the most! 

My own sixth sensed patronuses!! 

And eveytime this happens, my violins are back playing some happy tune, my grateful-ness quotient shoots up, the grass looks greener than ever, not as compared to others, but to my own, a few moments ago..and my heart - oh my heart gets full..beaming in blood red - and rejuvenates what people say - is my usual aura!! 

My moon has risen, its back!! 

Tidied up Re-Connects!

It seems so easy and comforting to talk to my childhood/teenage connects even if I have not talked to them in a while. 

Somehow as I am growing, I feel more connected to my past self - More than I was to myself back then. 

May be I have grown to look farther and over many things/situations/events, 

able to empathise and be kinder to myself and others, 

somehow get myself and others with more clarity.

I have come to know that I was not the only one carrying the baggage back then, as I thought. Most of us were/are in similar boat if not same, but just failed to see it back then - be it the good part or the bad. 

So now when I talk to my connects from older times, I feel a different, tidied up connect with them - not as passionate or as enthusiastic one obviously - but definitely more sorted, more clear - of where to keep the conversation arena in, what I expect from them and a good idea of what is expected from me; having seen more of myself, world and people in general.

And all of this was there at the back of my mind even back then; but I was not sure if and when and how that works and more so, how to implement it! Now its more coming from an honest and organic and natural place rather than having to steer conversations a certain way. 

Guess its true what they say - "Its not that life becomes complicated or easier as you grow..Just that your perspective of it changes - you know how to deal with it and what to make of it differently and hopefully in easier way if you have actually grown!!"

Fairy Tale Endings?!

Fairy Tale Endings Are Overrated

Dont get me wrong.. Yes, good if that happens!

But what about the gratified beginnings and the stocked up middle-some..

What if it did not work out at the end; that should be okay right?! it was worth it!! 

Because, how else we are to function if not in that moment and if not with instincts

None of us has psychic ability to see what future brings

Not for ourselves or others

So hope and pray and thrive for Happy Endings but dont let go of the Blessed beginnings and Marvelous Middle-somes either just because you are running after the unseen or because you are not able to see through the end today..

You never know!! 

Life is to live..dont let the 'beginnings'  or 'endings' limit you!! They are just relative  terms after all 🙂

Dear Bf, Pick Me Pls!

It was almost midnight..the city they were in was known for its moderate perfect weather year round. Though it was colder than the evening a few hours ago..it was

more pleasant because of the silence of the city which was only to be found at such odd times and in the outskirts where they were.

They wanted a break from the chatter and clatter inside the pub..while their friends and other pub-attendees were busy either drinking or eating or dancing or screaming at top of their voices to be heard amidst decibels of the music - they both looked at each other which they often did when in group, just to check on each other without creating fuss about it and out of fondness too..she tilted her head towards door with raised brows and the eyes, he knew she wanted to step out..

They de cluttered themselves from the crowd, luckily without being asked any questions or even getting noticed..

"don't think you trust

In... My... Self-righteous suicide

I... Cry... When angels deserve to die"...

The song faded as they came out of the pub where their other friends were still finishing discussion about the real meaning of the song. 

Held hands, hers left, his right, fingers intertwining instantly, more out of habit than need..their thighs resting effortlessly on the familiar railing rails..balanced by crouched posture and feet locked on the rails below..

She took out a kretek from her right pocket..smelled the clove and herbs, lipped it in..turned right to light it avoiding the breeze..Took a deep cancerous puff..saw some of her thoughts sneaking away with the snaking smoke.. Handed over the kretek to him..he took couple quick "kash" at it..ringed and shallow ones..but instead of his thoughts, she saw even with his exhales, it were her thoughts and emotions that found way into the air.. Startled by what was happening, she tried to turn her gaze from the smoke to his eyes..but he was not there! She was holding the railing from her left hand and a half burnt kretek in the other! 

She laughed at her own madness, her hallucinations, her habits, drinks and the kretek all..knowing she is gonna cough and cuss at all of them soon..

Drowsy and sleepy, Depressed and lonely.. She dialled up "bestfriend" to come pick her up..literally and metaphorically! 

It all comes from Love!

How do u gather strength to be there for someone you love when you yourself are broken?!

She needed me and At first I told her I was busy feeling choked by tears in the throat! I could not let her know I was feeling so or else she would worry. She has enough on her plate already. And also because all that I was holding inside, would break down the moment I heard her voice - we are connected at hearts by something very powerful and inexplicable.

But then I realised, she needed me; I have to be strong for her.

So the love which had made me weak in the first place, gave me the strength.

That is where it came from!

All that is weak and strong; 

all that is ugly and beautiful;

all that means everything and all that is vain - they all, it all comes from LOVE!

-

Shirin

One Night Stand

It was a dark cloudy night

I came out of my room at the ashram

after a rare wishlist-ish day

long but rejuvenating, short but fulfilling

The day of yog, dhyaan, shwaas aur aasan

What more could I have asked for

But I was greedy, I wished more.. 

They never tell you the side effects of a clear mind

there are times when you are so one with yourself

You are so much at peace

that you start to hear the noise within

which was lulled till date by the noise outside

the lies you have been falsely pitching to your own self as truths under pretense of practicality, start to show up 

the unwishful realities which you thought were the past or worse have been discarded by you as fiction, start to occupy space and take shape

So as I sat there, with utmost clarity I have had in years or may I say, I have ever had since I can remember, I became vulnerable; I became greedy; I wished for him..

I was no longer a strong woman who was adamant about her decision to not think about him anymore

I did not want to choose what was right for me but rather what felt good, even if that meant a stocked up life with him.. 

In that moment, I had the gush of courage to be my natural self and he came naturally to me..his presence was sewn and woven with mine! 

I picked up the phone..dialled 'a' number after many years..a number I did not even had to recall - it was phonebook-ed in my mind! 

You picked up the call..I heard thy voice - loud and clear - same baritone, more mature! I choked..I was trying to respond - but could not..You were still there and so was I!! I took a deep breath to analyze what is happening and suddenly felt like.. like I am seeing myself from a third eye..And then I realized why I could not speak..

I opened my eyes! My midnight meditation class was still in-transit.. 

Even when I was with myself, practicing to be away from you, thriving to be with myself, Being taught to be with just myself.. I ended up with you! That was my boon and my bane.. I could be with you anytime.. I was with you all the time!!

-

Shirin