Carpe Diem!

I was reading about physical features of a character from a book..and suddenly was reminded of touch of those hands; I was almost able to recall what it felt like.. I did not know before now - how much magic a few words alongwith power of your own subconscious held! Must have been some time since I actually physically felt that touch of warm palm accompanied by pressing thumb, bulged index, gripping middle, soft ring, contorted hilly funny pinky finger - all kneading into mine with a familiar welcomed love - and that too I did not make an effort then or even before that to register or remember the same..But yes - In past, I was in that moment with every bit of my conscious, subconscious and unconscious is what I am sure of!! 

Sometimes you understand the great wisdom written in philosophy books and others at bit odd moments like these! Like they say - live in the moment - maybe it actually means that be in that moment with all sincerity - so much so that it involuntarily gets etched in you and you can take refuge in it, use it for catharsis, for pleasure, for venting out or for whatever purpose it serves for u - if and when needed! 

Maybe Carpe Diem is not mere “Carpe Diem” - Maybe its a well discovered / implemented / practiced technique meant for jumping time-space continuum..Well, works for me - More religiously and intensely I am in some

moment, easier it is for me to visit and re-live the memory!! 

-

Shirin

Home and How!!

She lay between them..three of them just talking casually about the weather..and also about dinner plans..giggles in between about some distant friend or relative on their weird facebook status and post..In between there was talk of finances, her house loan, her new job, she asked about their retirement plans, their medical insurance, health and stuff..

In between this - She felt a blissful touch on her forehead and then another familiar one on cheek.. Suddenly all the broken versions of self within her tripped out.. she had been mending them for years since she had left home and somehow trying to keep together the mess.. and damn she was good at it.. although it came expensive - a few visits to therapist, some episodes of incessant tears puring down her cheeks, a few 100 pages in diary, about 300+ notes in her cellphone - all in just over seven years away from them.. 

Little did she know..that it will take one random moment of letting her guards down in her all-time refuge - to get it all out and going!!  She has never cried so hard in last few years. 

As for them - they did not understand any of it - like her therapist or friend or doctor or partner did - but they just wanted her to know that they were there for her - and guess that is all what she wanted - not the support groups or pills or gifts or words of wisdom.

That touch from them which so effortlessly and whole heartedly said they were there for her..someTWO were there for her..is all she had been wanting from life!! She was finally home and how!!

-

Shirin

The Mother

I always thought and believed my mother never understands / understood me.. but as I am ageing, a voice inside me has grown strong.. and it says, she is the only one who actually understood me probably.. my child side, my wild side, my dark side, my bright one- everything that rest of the world could not and did not ! Infact this was probably the reason she behaved in a certain way.. Although that ‘way’ itself could be debatable on the scale of ‘just, right and best’ but her intentions could never be outweighed on any scale!

And very strangely, this thought came to me amongst a line of thoughts that is very contrary yo her beliefs and one of the most wedge-creating topic of discussions we have had in recent times..

For many reasons - unfortunately dominated by societal norms..

And We have had reasoning, shouting, sarcasm, arguments, emotional - all sorts of exchange of words that two people possibly could.. but zil!

But somehow I still have a hope, a strong instinct - that if time comes, and there is one person who will be at my side, still loving me for all my flaws and flawed decisions, it will be my mother..because no matter how long ago that umblical chord was cut; it never does get cut actually!!

#HappyMother’sDay 

Definitions🤔

Sometimes you become so close to and invested in the dream you had once wanted to live with - that even when you  have got a weak memory years later, when all distant reality seems to be fading away - you recall that dream with utmost clarity and all possible details as if it were a reality of just the other day!! No wonder she could almost feel the fabric of the brown shirt she had once seen him in, in a dream, years ago - corduroy feel, big camouflaging buttons, rolled up sleeves, crisscross light stubble growing wild wherever it wished and a pulse pattern within her she only feels when she recalls this ‘visual’..this must have happened - she convinced the 70 year amnesiac, herself! Or else - how could she remember all of those details and still feel the exacts of what she must have felt then - when she has hard time remembering her own name or even existence!! Guess that is why there has been not one definition of love ever - cz for some it is the aroma in the air, for others it is that time of the season, the place that witnessed something, the song that played in the background of a conversation....

The brown shirt with big camouflaged buttons!! Her definition of love was - “The brown shirt with big camouflaged buttons!!”..

Her pulse pattern matched axis-to-axis with those at the time of previous recollection of the same visual.. and lucky she..this time, the pattern eventually lovingly faded into straight infinite line..

-

Shirin

PS - Introducing my alter ego / pen name / me from parallel universe / alternate reality - *drumrolls*  SHIRIN 😬 #noClapsPlease

Pints of Happiness!

The issue with being happy is..sometimes one is not sure how to be! I mean technically the not-so-thin line between being happy and not being sad ends up becoming negligibly thin. 

You set out there in the world to be happy..you give ur best shot at school grads, then acads at college, first job, relationships - with parents, family, extended family, frends, special frenz. Pursue everything you ever thought would make you happy. And sometimes for phases in life you actually do get happiness from one or more of it.. But then there are phases where you are not - or maybe that is how human brain and heart is.. Once you get something you have been longing for, for a long time- that stops making you happy anymore.. or maybe the tiresome journey is what makes one high n merry.

 Any-which-ways.. So what does one do?! Do we stop even trying to find happiness because if we find it, the definition usually changes and if we dont, what is the point of it in first place or do we only do it for the heck of it because the journey is everything we were looking for anyways?! 

Mmm.. Though I am still discovering my definition, barometer, parameters for being joyous and happy - I can say one thing for sure - You remember those phases we talked about - the gushes of happiness - I think if (god forbid) not the ultimate realizing pitcher-full definition of happiness - I would happily settle for those pints if need be! So enjoy what you have now - so that when you need to get going for the ‘soul search’(same as search for happiness for me, atleast for now😜) - moments like those are gonna keep ur spirits up..

Cheers!! 

PS - Being homesafe in coron times, is the best phase to revisit those ‘gushes’ and also continue on the marathon-ish search!