Life is..series of Conversations!

Talked to a soul-buddy the other day..

before I narrate my anecdote further, honestly, I dont have many friends..at least not by my definition(=soul-buddy)and perception(=soul-buddy) of it..

more because of my actions, behavior and choices..

and I am not complaining..just stating..

I am, touchwood, very very happy with the few 4/5 people I talk regularly to..we catch up every now and then..

(I digress a lot - deliberately sometimes for  flavor and clarity and also unintentionally at times for not being able to contain certain off-track emotions I want to vent off!) 

Anyways - so as I was saying - I talked to her the other day - At length (not at enough length - cz when is it ever enough talking to the people you love talking to!) 

We talked, laughed, cribbed, vented, made fun of mostly each other and also of life in general - dark humor, discussed, blabbered and did cover all possible topics - family, health, politics, society, philosophy, purpose of life, depression, meditation, spirituality - and dont let the topics fool you to indicate we had very profound conversation - it was (if you analyze and talk about subtext / feel of it!) but for us, it was fun and organic and something that we look forward to - as fun, as being there for each other, as venting out session, as therapeutic conversation, as a way to explore ourselves and understand each other more! 

For me - that is one of the most desired feelings ever - Having an honest heart to heart fearless conversation - without having to wrap it up in small talks, without having to supress one's feelings beneath the irrelevant topics, without being bound by obligations or relations, without any pretense or fear of living up to any expectations or getting judged or to hurt unintentionally or to reach a point where you have to deliberately push someone away cz you know they are gonna get hurt eventually! 

Pure simple honest harmless organic non-manipulative ungreedy inconclusive pro bono conversations - which have become so rare these days, are one of the easiest forms of comfort and happiness you can give to yourself and to the other person!! More so because amongst all the chaos in this materialistic world - finding those soul buddies itself is a first level challenge. 

So hold onto those limited-edition soul buddies you have and never shy away from those organic conversations with them..because hey, life is nothing but the  play, pause, resume and replay of  Conversations you have had!! 

The Tonic

“Dusting down the lane of firsts, I came across what was and will always be, only ours..That kiss we kissed!! 

I can still hear my own heartbeat..

cancelling the noise from the other room..of the commentary from the cricket match in the TV!! 

And yours too...climbing through the chaos created by chitter chatter of our friends, who had gathered to watch the match together at a friend’s place..

I dont remember how we both managed to escape from our gang un noticed into the adjacent room..

cliched as it may sound bt it almost felt like universe conspired that escape for our special moment! 

I have turned out to be a forgetful person these days, but this moment is etched into my memory as if it happened just the other day! 

I must admit, it was the most unexpected, most inviting moments I have had till then..

And I could see you were not sure at first either..You took time

Held my hand gently, brushed your lips around fingers, waited for my consenting blushful smile, climaxing perfectly by interlocked hold! 

I gulped, breathed, blinked, goose-bumped, almost shivered of a feeling I have never felt before..or after..ever!! 

It was just that fraction of second - when I could feel you to your very core - your warmth, your breath, your craving, your surrender, your anxiety, your passion, your desire, your sincerity, everything that you felt for me in its most naked, pure form..and strangely, pleasantly, could not feel myself at all..Almost like an anti-gravity, floating experience!

We kissed..technically you alone did - you told me and made fun of it months later that I froze at that moment, and for a few more kisses after that! Ok ok, I was a terrible kisser, I agree..

But you spoiled me I guess..because that defined the perfect kiss for me forever and..and the first of course!! 

Years have passed since then and many kisses too..but I am still stuck Somewhere in between those jitters and that freeze, when your lips touched mine.. I am basically living off it - during rains, through dark, amidst blues, in pain..and luckily, that has been more than enough till now..

That first kiss became my tonic for getting through life thereafter!!”

-

(Taken from the letterhead-pile of)

Shirin

Paa | Chapter 5 | ‘Breath’ of life

He came home late that night. With the state elections coming up, the workload was more. His wife opened the door very cautiously, so as to not wake up the elderly and kids in the house. She, though dead tired herself, willingly warmed up the food, with nearly same noise-less precision. They both barely talked much - not because they did not love each other or did not have anything to share - but because they both were too exhausted to talk, even in hushed voices. He gobbled the food - his body not in a condition to savour the taste, warmth or the efforts put into the preparation. She understood; insisted on couple of more servings - she knew he might not have had the time to grab supper, not even tea due to his busy schedule these days. 

As his daily ritual - he kissed the lil boy on the forehead, who was sleeping with his grandparents. Then went off to his room. Looked at his lil angel who was sleeping in her safe space in the middle of the bed; he and his wife would sleep on the either side. Looked at her with a feeling of gratitude - as if she was ‘the’ answer to all his prayers. Kissed her goodnight. Her wife gestured a ‘shush’ - she did not want her to wake up. He checked her forehead for fever - she had a mild one cz of cold that morning when he had left for office. Relived by her normal temperature, he looked at his wife, like a team mate would to another, for reassurance and confirmation; She smiled, thanked the lord with joined hands and gestured an ok. 

Finally he gained some strength as dinner-effect. He and His wife talked for a few mins in hushed voices - the talk blending unintended uninformed into much-awaited sleep, much-needed sound sleep and not-needed snores. 

Not even 2 hours had passed when he felt soft tap on his shoulder. He opened his eyes to see that his 3 year old daughter was awake, pointing towards her nose and blabbering something which he understood, meant she had blocked nose. He was familiar with the not-so-drilly drill.

He stood up without any hesitation, irritation or tiredness - picked her in arms - went to the small terrace by the room.

Like a baby monkey clinging to its parent - she held him tightly - her hands locked around his neck, her legs to his upper waist. His hands had her back - literally and otheriwse. He strolled slowly - breeze helped - she was able to breathe back normally in couple of minutes and in another few - she was asleep again. He walked for a little longer - her sleep ripening a little more. 

He came back to the room, gently lay her on bed again, put few drops of eucalyptus oil onto her pillow. His wife was wide awake too - she was use to woke-sleeping  to cater to needs of her two children. However, the lil one always preferred to wake up Paa - she was more fond of sleeping back in his arms. 

Its not as easy and quick for adults to fall asleep as kids. Sometimes it was quicker to sleep back after such drills, other times the mornings stopped by sooner. It took some good 30-40 minutes for them to get back to sleep this time. 

Another 3 hours and he again felt a tap. This time it was not as soft. It was his wife waking him up. She had glass of water and cup of tea, they smiled at each other. From nowhere, the two lil ones came jumping onto him - it was their only time together these busy days - the tea time. He was glad to see both of them - more so because they were healthy(specially his daughter) and happy. He asked his wife to join their little tea party. 

The perfect perfect frame!! 

Little that the lil one knew - she would be reminded of this - after 27 years - she sitting miles away from three of them in another continent. 

Tears flowing down her cheek - missing them, missing those days; tears of helplessness and guilt of not being with them, for them - specially now when her dad is older and sometimes has trouble breathing in the middle of the night - like she use to have as a kid. Life came back a full circle for her and how!! 

PostFace - She is grateful that her brother and his lovely teammate - alongwith their two lil ones, however, are now handling her duties and responsibilities too. Life indeed has come a full circle with this new team ❤️

#Paa #Blessed 

Carpe Diem!

I was reading about physical features of a character from a book..and suddenly was reminded of touch of those hands; I was almost able to recall what it felt like.. I did not know before now - how much magic a few words alongwith power of your own subconscious held! Must have been some time since I actually physically felt that touch of warm palm accompanied by pressing thumb, bulged index, gripping middle, soft ring, contorted hilly funny pinky finger - all kneading into mine with a familiar welcomed love - and that too I did not make an effort then or even before that to register or remember the same..But yes - In past, I was in that moment with every bit of my conscious, subconscious and unconscious is what I am sure of!! 

Sometimes you understand the great wisdom written in philosophy books and others at bit odd moments like these! Like they say - live in the moment - maybe it actually means that be in that moment with all sincerity - so much so that it involuntarily gets etched in you and you can take refuge in it, use it for catharsis, for pleasure, for venting out or for whatever purpose it serves for u - if and when needed! 

Maybe Carpe Diem is not mere “Carpe Diem” - Maybe its a well discovered / implemented / practiced technique meant for jumping time-space continuum..Well, works for me - More religiously and intensely I am in some

moment, easier it is for me to visit and re-live the memory!! 

-

Shirin

Home and How!!

She lay between them..three of them just talking casually about the weather..and also about dinner plans..giggles in between about some distant friend or relative on their weird facebook status and post..In between there was talk of finances, her house loan, her new job, she asked about their retirement plans, their medical insurance, health and stuff..

In between this - She felt a blissful touch on her forehead and then another familiar one on cheek.. Suddenly all the broken versions of self within her tripped out.. she had been mending them for years since she had left home and somehow trying to keep together the mess.. and damn she was good at it.. although it came expensive - a few visits to therapist, some episodes of incessant tears puring down her cheeks, a few 100 pages in diary, about 300+ notes in her cellphone - all in just over seven years away from them.. 

Little did she know..that it will take one random moment of letting her guards down in her all-time refuge - to get it all out and going!!  She has never cried so hard in last few years. 

As for them - they did not understand any of it - like her therapist or friend or doctor or partner did - but they just wanted her to know that they were there for her - and guess that is all what she wanted - not the support groups or pills or gifts or words of wisdom.

That touch from them which so effortlessly and whole heartedly said they were there for her..someTWO were there for her..is all she had been wanting from life!! She was finally home and how!!

-

Shirin

The Mother

I always thought and believed my mother never understands / understood me.. but as I am ageing, a voice inside me has grown strong.. and it says, she is the only one who actually understood me probably.. my child side, my wild side, my dark side, my bright one- everything that rest of the world could not and did not ! Infact this was probably the reason she behaved in a certain way.. Although that ‘way’ itself could be debatable on the scale of ‘just, right and best’ but her intentions could never be outweighed on any scale!

And very strangely, this thought came to me amongst a line of thoughts that is very contrary yo her beliefs and one of the most wedge-creating topic of discussions we have had in recent times..

For many reasons - unfortunately dominated by societal norms..

And We have had reasoning, shouting, sarcasm, arguments, emotional - all sorts of exchange of words that two people possibly could.. but zil!

But somehow I still have a hope, a strong instinct - that if time comes, and there is one person who will be at my side, still loving me for all my flaws and flawed decisions, it will be my mother..because no matter how long ago that umblical chord was cut; it never does get cut actually!!

#HappyMother’sDay 

Definitions🤔

Sometimes you become so close to and invested in the dream you had once wanted to live with - that even when you  have got a weak memory years later, when all distant reality seems to be fading away - you recall that dream with utmost clarity and all possible details as if it were a reality of just the other day!! No wonder she could almost feel the fabric of the brown shirt she had once seen him in, in a dream, years ago - corduroy feel, big camouflaging buttons, rolled up sleeves, crisscross light stubble growing wild wherever it wished and a pulse pattern within her she only feels when she recalls this ‘visual’..this must have happened - she convinced the 70 year amnesiac, herself! Or else - how could she remember all of those details and still feel the exacts of what she must have felt then - when she has hard time remembering her own name or even existence!! Guess that is why there has been not one definition of love ever - cz for some it is the aroma in the air, for others it is that time of the season, the place that witnessed something, the song that played in the background of a conversation....

The brown shirt with big camouflaged buttons!! Her definition of love was - “The brown shirt with big camouflaged buttons!!”..

Her pulse pattern matched axis-to-axis with those at the time of previous recollection of the same visual.. and lucky she..this time, the pattern eventually lovingly faded into straight infinite line..

-

Shirin

PS - Introducing my alter ego / pen name / me from parallel universe / alternate reality - *drumrolls*  SHIRIN 😬 #noClapsPlease

Pints of Happiness!

The issue with being happy is..sometimes one is not sure how to be! I mean technically the not-so-thin line between being happy and not being sad ends up becoming negligibly thin. 

You set out there in the world to be happy..you give ur best shot at school grads, then acads at college, first job, relationships - with parents, family, extended family, frends, special frenz. Pursue everything you ever thought would make you happy. And sometimes for phases in life you actually do get happiness from one or more of it.. But then there are phases where you are not - or maybe that is how human brain and heart is.. Once you get something you have been longing for, for a long time- that stops making you happy anymore.. or maybe the tiresome journey is what makes one high n merry.

 Any-which-ways.. So what does one do?! Do we stop even trying to find happiness because if we find it, the definition usually changes and if we dont, what is the point of it in first place or do we only do it for the heck of it because the journey is everything we were looking for anyways?! 

Mmm.. Though I am still discovering my definition, barometer, parameters for being joyous and happy - I can say one thing for sure - You remember those phases we talked about - the gushes of happiness - I think if (god forbid) not the ultimate realizing pitcher-full definition of happiness - I would happily settle for those pints if need be! So enjoy what you have now - so that when you need to get going for the ‘soul search’(same as search for happiness for me, atleast for now😜) - moments like those are gonna keep ur spirits up..

Cheers!! 

PS - Being homesafe in coron times, is the best phase to revisit those ‘gushes’ and also continue on the marathon-ish search!